i had sex and there's no denying it

February 14, 2012 at 5:21pm

September 3, 2011 at 8:40pm

im marooned

its 103 degrees in this town.  pregnant ladies are NOT allowed to overheat.  the combination of my body being used to california weather (i miss it oh god i miss it), this drought/heat spell, and the baby making my internal temp like 10 degrees hotter than usual has forced me to remain indoors so so so so much.

i cant even run errands at the outdoor mall without feeling woozy.  i tried to go there to get some underpants and lipstick and i almost fell over on the escalator at neimans.

please let the FUCKing weather get back to a reasonable temperature sometime soon before my dogs develop some sort of crazy attachment issue with me because im around too much.  also theres nothing to watch on tv or netflix

September 2, 2011 at 4:23pm

well i figured it out

the best way to not feel disgusting while pregnant in the over-100 degree heat is to go to the mall and change your attitude.  

go to the stores youve always hated, the ones filled with stretchy cheap knockoffs of normal clothing.  i’m talking about forever 21, charlotte russe, all of the grossest places.  you need to be VERY picky but if you have the time to go through the racks of gross stuff you will find cute and overly stretchy little dresses and too-long tank tops that are perfect!  

Next go to sephora and buy 2 bright colors of lipstick and some hair glossing serum.  head home, take a long shower, blow dry and do your hair all perfect and put on the new lipstick that’s a little brighter than anything you would usually buy.  then put on one of your new stretchy striped tank top dresses and some heels.  put on your nice jewelry.  its really important to jazz it up as much as possible.  if you look fancy you will forget that there’s a cantaloupe wedged in your stomach and your boobs are size DD.

now have whoever got you pregnant take you out to dinner.  bring some kind of jacket, the goal here is to look fun, not like a streetwalking baby machine.  i have an old jean jacket that works fine for this look.

12:59pm

That’s a little selfish isn’t it?

— Comment some old crone had for me as I was leaving starbucks. Preg ladies aren’t supposed to have too much caffeine. It was a soy chai. So sue me bitch.

September 1, 2011 at 5:15pm

gowns asked: how many months are you?? what's the prenatal care been like so far?

about 17 weeks, so a little over 4 months.  i’ve just been taking special vitamins and trying to exercise as much as possible, which is kind of hard since its 106 degrees and i was barfy for the first 3 months.  there’s nothing else to do really, other than eat healthy food and avoid roller coasters.  now that my stomach is getting bigger things are a little  more difficult, i have to watch out or the dogs will just trample on my entire torso.  the most intense thing has been seeing the ultrasounds.  i always thought that babies kind of floated around like dolls in there.  that’s not true at all.  this one flails its arms and legs around like its trying to swim out of my body.  i still can’t feel anything though, so that’s good.  i think the kicking is going to freak me out.

11:52am

important list of things to do every day or youll feel horrible

  • shower in the morning and at night (most important thing ever)
  • apply a LOT of moisturizing oil and lotion to your body or it will itch and feel creepy
  • do your hair every morning
  • wear lipstick
  • wear heels
  • wear clothes that aren’t designed to hide your body
  • keep sliced fruit and water in your handbag

11:49am

here’s what happens just so you know

at first you’re going to feel like absolute dirt.  tired, glompy, angry dirt.  it lasts for a little over 3 months.  hopefully you can figure out a way to spend the majority of that time on a sofa with access to a tv and every single channel on earth.  dogs are an important factor to your comfort levels during this time.

your body is going to feel disgusting and you’ll want to squirm around.  i had migraines and really awful heartburn and nausea and barfing.  i had heard about the nausea but i was NOT prepared for the exhaustion.  walking to the kitchen to make myself a lemonade would force me to take a 45 minute nap.  i’ve never napped in my life until now, even when i was a little kid.

the most upsetting to me was the body morphing.  i didn’t even gain weight until like month 2.5 and it was a slow process.  i think i may have been craving donuts and stuff but i’m not a maniac with no self-control so i didn’t ballon up or anything.  i did eat some gluten-free baked goods.  i admit it.  what shocked me the most is how fat it made me feel to have giant boobs.  going from a B to a D in bra size was like, what the hell.  add that to a slight addition to my midsection and butt and i was feeling really REALLY gross.

the good news is that for some reason the growth seems to have cordoned itself off to the front section of my torso and i can deal with that.  i actually feel less fat and gross now that my stomach is getting biggger.  i just needed to know what i was working with.  you don’t need to become a grossoid in order to have a baby.  you can be a nice and normal person who has decided to be cool with gaining one pound a week in their torso region for like 10 months.  i think that getting a little exercise helps a ton.  swimming has been great for me, since it happens to be frickin 106 degrees where i live at the moment.  

11:33am

suspiciendodespicio replied to your post: ok i did it are you gonna uplaod pics of yr preggo body, please say yes

maybe, but i’m not too into posting pics of myself

11:20am

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

being annoyed

11:13am

this blog is a reaction

to everyone’s gross suggestions that i wear ruffled tent dresses and flip flops just because i’m pregnant.  what a depressing concept.  i even tried it, who knows why.  

i can not and will not shop at a pea in the pod when there are perfectly good spandex options available all over the place.  

let’s see how long i can make it until i have to resort to wearing a tarp from home depot